I stepped into the box to go to the first floor of my work building, and as the doors shut and it started its descent, I thought how lovely it would be if it would stop and I was stuck.
Those who know me must realize what a day it must have been for me to say that.
I hate elevators. I am terrified of being stuck in them, of them stopping unwanted and staying there, me inside.
But yesterday, as I was riding down in one, that's all I was wanting.
Because then I would have a moment. I could rest, put down what I was carrying and be stuck. Stuck in a moment that I didn't have to do anything. No one could expect anything of me. I couldn't be faulted. Maybe it would allow the time for me to rest. My weary soul and mind. Life, the trials coming, would stop, if only for a few moments inside a malfunctioning elevator.
And by the end of the day...I was under my desk.
I had music on, and I went and just sat under my desk.
I felt very childish, and very safe and comforted.
I didn't hold to the illusion that anything happened, or that it actually helped anything-but it was like a child feeling safe in a fort. For a moment the world went away, and I could hide.
I decided that it was okay, just don't do it often enough that it becomes the way I deal with things, that would be unhealthy. (obviously).
So no worries, I will not take to the habit of hiding under tables and desks.
For that day, the Lord met me there. Under the desk, with gentle hands and kind whispers that spoke to my wounded, overwhelmed heart.
My heart is being humbled.
The Lord has shown me that. It is going through the process of becoming a servant, sometimes in a thankless position. An unseen time. I know it is needed, and that it is good, but it is rebelling.
It hurts. My heart shakes at the unkind words and spoken tones, it is not used to them.
The one the Lord has chosen for the humbler (under His authority-this I must remember) is not kind or gentle.
But they won't always be. The only One truly kind and good and gentle is our Lord. The people He uses are not always. They have pasts, hurts and scars. Those things affect us all.
I am in a battle for my heart.
I woke up this morning after another night of restless dreams, and my mind stepped in. I was tired of the constant aching and stinging of my heart. As the burdens of yesterday fell again it buried my heart and stifled my soul. I got ready for work, determined and fierce, unfeeling. If I was going to be okay, that's what I felt was needed. Or rather what my mind thought was needed.
It was a battle for my heart.
It thinks is this is the way to survive. Yet I knew I couldn't survive, not really anyhow, if my heart didn't allow the full breath of emotion in.
In previous years that is what it would do. Guard it so that it was impenetrable. But when the time came that I wanted my heart to be open, and free, and pure, it was unable to. It has been a long hard battle to get where I am.
To be able to stand where I am and feel as I am. I did not want to lose that. Knew that it was needed to stay open, and let the Lord alone guard it.
My mind was made up this morning, it would get through, heart intact, and I went along with it. Thinking I would think and fight for it later, not now, not today.
As I was leaving my neighborhood in that attitude, there sat a blue jay on a sign. Right there next to me.
Calm and serene. Back to me, showing off his handsome coat of feathers.
The Lord's bird to me.
There it was, the Lord reminding me that I have a soul, and it is a gentle one, and not to forget that.
Do not let go of it. Open my heart and soul to the beauty of the world. Yes, some ugliness may creep in now and then, but He will take care of it.
I need to keep my soul open and looking for the beauty and gentleness of the Lord's gifts to me.
Sunrises, birds, smiles on strangers faces, the kindness of a word, a gentle turning away...all His, and all lovely.
He gave me a verse a while back...He reminded me of it today:
"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"
He gave it to me on a day I was tired of waiting, and wanting to let my heart go. Get a little hard, guard it a little too much from emotions.
"No," He had gently whispered. "I will strengthen your heart, so it will have the strength needed to stay open. It does not need to shut the world out."
I've clung to that. I've prayed that back to Him. Be of good courage, look for the good. He will strengthen my heart, I don't need to do anything but keep walking.
Trusting. And knowing my God.
He shall keep His promise. He is guarding me and my heart.
I just need to pay attention to blue jays :)
(p.s. come a long way from under the desk huh? ;) It's all Him, know that lovelies. Gotta look to and for Him, only way we can do it!)