“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.”
“Writers are the exorcists of their own demons.”
-Mario Vargas Llosa
These are the quotes that are in my mind as I sit down to write tonight.
As I know I am going to bleed, I am going to be split open, I am going to share my demons.
My hands are shaking, and my eyes are not dry.
There are things, things in my soul which only my Savior knows. And there are things that are always going to be only mine and His. But tonight, I need to write. I need to share.
I don’t know how many people will actually read this. I have no clue how many people visit my little world, or care enough to know and venture in.
But I need this out; I need this out in the world.
My soul is weary, my mind is heavy from trying to bear this and hide it. As though it’s something to hide and look away from. I can’t anymore. Part of it is a victory story, and that needs rejoicing over, another part is an active battle, and that needs prayer.
Not many people know what I’m about to share. Some know all, some know nothing. Others can maybe guess, and some have no clue.
I moved around a lot. That’s just fact. No blame, no resentment-the Lord has used all to get me where I am today. And I am so very grateful for that.
When we moved from California to Iowa it was hard. I’m not going to give all the details. But I was okay. I met amazing friends, life-long friends that I wouldn’t give up for the world. And they helped me through that transition.
When we moved from Iowa to Florida, I didn’t have that support in place. It would be years before I made friends. In that time I fell into a depression.
I’m not going to go on and on about it. It really snuck up on me. I didn’t know what it was. But it was strong, and bad. I remember the night it got to the point of suicidal. There were no attempts made, but the thought was there, it was strong and it scared me. It hit late at night. Thankfully my brother was still up, I went and talked to him.
I don’t think there has been anything that has scared me like that did. The helpless feeling, the feeling of losing control. Is not something I want to revisit.
There were hard times.
Slowly I came out of it. I couldn’t tell you what exactly did it. I know some pointers, some people, events along the way that will never be removed from me.
The Lord used them in near and dear ways.
And I know that it was my Jesus. My precious, loving, blessed Savior.
I’m still recovering from it, and I still have hard moments where I know I need to stop my thoughts. and I do, and am able to. The Lord has amazing people in my life, and I am blessed that He has helped me work through it thus far.
That’s the victory. Oh, my Jesus is good.
There is a battle I am still in, that I am fighting through. One that only a few-only enough to count on both hands-knows about. After the above honesty, I am a bit timid about sharing what I’m about to. I am a broken girl, I have problems and struggles and battles a plenty.
There is a fear in me that I will be written off as dramatic, or ‘that’ girl, or someone riddled with issues that is not worth another thought.
But I suppose I’m not writing for that. I cannot fear that. I write because my soul needs it. There is freedom to be had.
I have no trouble not eating.
It is so very easy for me.
That’s my problem. It is not rare for me to go 2 days and realize that I really have had only 1 good meal in that time. I’m not worried about being skinny, or my weight-I never have been. To be completely honest (shoo, might as well be) I have no clue why I don’t eat.
Sometimes I forget, sometimes I just don’t want to…other times I suppose I choose not to.
It’s a battle every day.
Every. Single. Day.
I need to think about eating. I mean consciously remember to do it.
Part of it the issue stems from me being a picky eater and the thought of all I don’t eat or don’t enjoy eating overwhelms me. And when it overwhelms me…well I just don’t eat at all.
It is a legitimate problem in my life right now.
I have to watch my weight, not to see if I gain, but to make sure I haven’t lost too much.
I can’t fast from food, if I do, it triggers something in my mind and I can’t stop. It takes so long to get back into the habit of eating.
I don’t know why it is the way it is. It’s a hard battle. and scary. I know the repercussions of not eating. Who doesn’t? But that thought, doesn’t help. It stumbles and hinders me, because than it feels like an insurmountable problem. One I can never conquer.
I have a problem with eating.
Do you know how hard and how scary it is to say that? It took months, and a bad scare for me to even admit it to myself, my closest friends and get prayer over my body and it as a whole. Gradually I’ve shared more, been more open. But only in the way of dropping hints or walking around the actual saying of it. I guard it close to my chest, scared and ashamed.
What will people say? How will they look at me? Will I change in their eyes?
I don’t know, and that has me hesitating. This post? Me putting it out, is needed and terrifying. But I wouldn’t be able to be a writer if I couldn’t say it.
I don’t know if I’d go far enough to say it’s an eating disorder…but I know it could head down that road. Hm. Another thought that overwhelms when I don’t eat, or think about my disdain for some (well most) foods. There are times when I do eat, just to eat something-it’s not the best things: fruits, vegetables, meats. It could be pasta, pretzels, potatoes, cookies, calamity even lunchables. And I feel like a failure. Shouldn’t I be eating something better? But then I quiet my mind and make sure I just eat something. And then voices come, people who don’t know my struggle, don’t know what effect their words have. They tease me about my eating, about I do or do not like. What I am or am not eating. My choices. They have no idea that when they do that, I want to just stop right there and I could easily not eat the rest of the day. But their words bite; they remind me, show me acutely where my struggle is.
And then I feel like a failure. And in that moment the world feels too big and too scary and that I am not strong enough to last in it.
But it is a battle, and I am fighting. I have my good days and bad days. But I am thankful to say that I am getting better, I am aware and I'm walking with my Jesus. I will come out of this.
I was driving tonight, and the Lord pointed out a lie.
One I didn’t know was there. One I should have seen. But there wasn’t shame or condemnation that I didn’t. It was like a cord was snapped, and a cage was lifted and a part of my soul was freed.
All which prompted this post J
That lie was, and I can’t explain it fully, but that somehow in my mind that my eating was connected to a trigger to my depression.
But not even that. That makes sense.
Somehow my mind has it that if I fail to eat, my ease in not eating, if it goes too long or gets to strong…that I will go back to that suicidal girl.
And that terrifies me.
So I associated-in my mind, without me knowing it-my not eating with suicide.
A lie that had me paralyzed and in a vicious cycle.
It scared me to go there again, which put more pressure and thought into eating-or lack thereof.
The more I thought about eating, the more panicked I would get. The more panicked, the less thought I had on the Lord and less peace I had. The more that happened, the more I teetered to the edge of dangerous thoughts. Thoughts that lead to a dark time. Thoughts I am familiar with and try and stay away from.
But what a lie.
This eating thing was a battle. It is going to be fought through, and conquered.
Yes it will hurt, and be hard, and humbling. I will not get out unscathed. I will be fighting this, and my depression for a while-if not for life. I am going to get bloody, and bruised and knocked out and down.
I’ll have moments I’ll want to give in and give up.
Times where I can’t breathe or take another step.
But I will fight, there will be victory.
Suicide? not an option.
It cannot be a thought in my mind. It is not an end. Definitely not my end.
I know this.
I am walking toward the light at the end, even if I can't see it quite yet.
This lie? No.
This lie that if I fail to eat the thing waiting for me, my end is suicide.
How did that get in my head? When did it creep in?
What a horrid, dangerous, evil lie.
its exactly that. a lie. No credence to it. Nothing I should or will listen to. And it is exposed, and I am fighting against it. I see it and can speak truth to it and it will cower.
Tonight was the first time in my walk with my Savior that I have felt like chains were lifted and taken away. That I was light, and that there will be victory with this…
What an amazing, phenomenal God we have and serve!
I feel like I just went through a battle now. My shoulders hurt, right where I carry my stress. My stomach clenches, proving my point. My head is throbbing and I am shaking.
I really don’t want to post this. For all to see.
But my soul, my mind…feels weightless.
I am not in darkness.
I’ll be okay.
So, if there is anyone reading this. please, keep me in mind, and your prayers. And remember, this is still sensitive stuff for me. I don’t mind talking about it. But maybe not for all, in wide open spaces. This is a first step for me…
But my friends, take heart.
2 songs have been stuck in my head.
Both with different messages, and both comforting…
“I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy, from the work it takes
To keep on breathing, I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail, my soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn.”
-“Worn” Tenth Avenue North
“There is a light, it burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night, and casts no shadow
There is hope, should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails
So take heart, let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope, and take courage again
All our troubles, and all our tears
God our hope, He has overcome
All our failure, and all our fear
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache, and all our pain
God our healer, He has overcome
All our burdens, and all our shame
God our freedom, He has overcome.”
-“Take Heart” HIllsong United