Sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I am not okay.
There are days that I wonder why I do what I do, and all I do. Times where I wonder why I try, why I let people in.
See, I have moved around. A lot. Each time picking up and leaving everything and anyone I know. Every place I have left, there are pieces of me. Bits of my heart are scattered around the country. I am a person who gets easily attached. I love people. I really do. I want to connect with them, I love hearing stories-sharing in life.
So naturally, each time I have a new experience, go someplace new or enter a new stage of life there are people. And these people I get to know, and they grow on me. They are precious treasures in my life. As I go to work, or church or even somewhere as simple as the library I eagerly look forward to seeing these people.
I may not know them well, or at all. Beyond a happy hello, I may never know their name. But they are a cause of joy in my life, and I cherish them. So you may be able to see how my life has been a bit difficult in this area. I have been blessed with a good memory for names and people. So as I've moved around it has been hard. I grow to be comfortable with peoples' place in my life, and then they're gone.
There is a lovely lady I work with. She is a humble, shining, beautiful lady. She calls me 'mama', and always is smiling. She comes into our office to pick-up our trash. But as you talk with her, you hear her story. Her glorious story. She speaks in a heavy Peruvian-Italian accent. This lilt makes everything she says delightful. Especially as she shares her story of her heritage and life. How she went from working high up in her government, then a well-paying job here in America, and then now-picking up trash in the offices. She has become a dear part of my work-day. Where we share donuts and stories, and smiles are abundant. She is blessed to be respected and noticed when she comes into our office.
Just the other day she told us about a wonderful opportunity in a different department in our company. We are thrilled for her to be able to move up and provide more for her family.
But as she leaves my acquaintance, my heart has a familiar sadness.
And this causes me to wonder. Why do I continue to do this? Why do I let people in, let them grow in my affection, have great fondness of them? Almost everyone leaves. In one capacity or another. It is a fact of life, c'est la vie, oui? Life is not fair, this I am well aware of, as we are all told growing up. But as my heart starts to ache thinking of people who have been in my life, or remembering people in a moment that I had forgotten-there is sorrow.
Try as I might, I cannot change. There are times I greatly wish to not be the way I am. Times where I wish I could be more guarded, not be as friendly as I am. But I cannot live like that, I must have people, and ask them how they're doing-and really listen for the answer.
There are moments where I am not okay.
But I'm beginning to see that...well, that is okay. I do not have to be okay all the time. I do not have to always have it together.
As hard as that is for me, I am learning how perfectly normal it is.
So I have concluded to work through all the heartache, discouragement and changes to the best of my ability. I have no doubt that it will be hard, and there will be times where I will have no other choice but to break down and have a good cry-but even that will be good. It will be a long, hard haul, but I am determined. And honestly, in the end, I really don't have much of a choice in the matter. My heart and spirit has decided that its love is overwhelming, and I cannot control it.
So in the end, love and the faithfulness of God and friends will get me through...and in the end, I will be okay.