That is the reality in which I'm living right now.
Time to heal.
Time to understand.
Time to learn.
Time to be okay with not knowing.
Time to move on.
Things take time.
And I'm not good with that.
At least in the way of hurt, anger, letting things mend or waiting for direction.
If we are talking about time with friends, or time to let things work out in the way of standing the test of time, I'm all good with that.
It is the other way I struggle with.
Letting things go, essentially.
I want to move it along.
I have an issue with it. It's hard, and I'm finding, very often it is humbling.
I found myself being more vulnerable...
...something I'm not used to being.
Because see, I want it to be over with.
I feel like I should be over it.
Whatever it may be.
I scold myself for not letting it go sooner.
This should not be affecting me still, or causing anger to well up, or hurt.
Whether it is someone disappointing me, a mistake made or not being good at something.
I can end up feeling like a failure...'how can I not have let this go already'.
Even if someone dear and loved, and trusted comes and comforts 'its okay, it'll just take time'
I don't like it.
It means that, well for the time being, I'm broken.
There is hurt, and confusion.
Sometimes anger comes alongside.
But it's having to acknowledge that.
It means crying on friends and family, venting to trusted counselors, things you didn't even know you were holding in your mind, it's admitting hard truths and humbling hearing corrections.
And to have people see that, and know...is humbling.
Admitting that I don't have it all together, and that there is a brokenness within me, well that's not something that comes easily.
Not being able to handle it on my own?
Scary and very uncomfortable.
People coming alongside me, to help and comfort?
Not something I'm used to, or really have had.
It's something new.
Don't get me wrong-realizing people care, and are there for you, well it's an amazing truth.
See, I guess it's been all the moving around.
I feel like, well almost maybe that I should have this down.
Letting things go-arguments, disappointments, mistakes, lost friendships... I learned that it is a part of living, and surviving...this thing.
I have a hard time coming to a wall of reality.
A reality that things, really do take time.
And it is so incredibly humbling.
But, I'm finding with such sweet relief, I'm not the only one.
As I walk through this time, this season of hardship, this time of learning humility and vulnerability...
I'm learning to share, to be honest with people.
That sometimes life is hard, and we are broken.
And you know what?
We all have it.
I guess I used to feel-if I'm being honest I still do sometimes-that I was the only one.
What a lie from the enemy, huh?
That I was the only broken, messy, confused person.
And that lie, that I believed and am still struggling against, left me alone.
Left me being my own worst critic, and wondering why I can't be perfect.
Though I don't think that's the way I phrased it to myself. But if I take a deeper look, well that's what I'm expecting of myself.
I find myself being scolded, or 'instructed' by my own voice in my head.
What I could've and should've done.
How I failed, or did something wrong. How it could have been better. How I should have known better.
Why couldn't I see that before?
All these things, and the biggest one is that it is not okay not to know.
The voice that says it is a failure to be broken, or not having everything together, or even have some things I don't know.
This voice, these lies, have been my companions for many many years.
I am so used to them, it feels odd if there is ever a moment without them.
Anything that speaks against them sounds like heresy.
Brokenness, weakness, vulnerable?
No, not acceptable.
Needing help? Childish.
Any critique made, correction told, advice given...felt like a disapproving shout and failure stamped on me.
I must admit, it has made life, being vulnerable and humble very difficult.
But now I have come to this season.
A season of learning, and new things, gentleness...and yes, brokenness.
And the Lord is showing me, in a myriad of ways, through lovely people...that well, things take time. It's a process, and this world is hurt and broken.
But also, there are people. Dear, sweet people who care, and have been there.
They will embrace and not condemn.
Speak truth in love, and not point fingers.
People who may not have the answers, but they have the experience.
And these are the people who whisper, and shout when needed...'give it time love.'
Things will be okay, He works all things together for good.
So brokenness, with and in Him? Beautiful, and safe.
Being humble? The best place to be standing with Him.
Vulnerable? Yes, it is oh so scary, but with Him? Absolute freedom.
He can be trusted, lovelies.
He is kind, and gentle, and lovely, and strong, and caring.
So, I walk forward.
Shaking hands, trembling limbs and eyes full of tears.
This is hard.
It is a sacrifice.
I don't want to do it.
My feet feel heavy at times, my heart feels like it can't beat again, and my mind is confused.
But, friends, this is a battle.
And I intend to stay and fight.
We already have the victory.
We just gotta push through ;)
So, lovelies, push through.
Call lies, lies.
Brokenness is not a bad thing, it can be so beautiful, let Him restore you.
Weakness...we are weak so He can be strong.
Vulnerability...we are not meant to live alone, share it with someone.
Wow, that was scary. And all those things I'm struggling with are what have my hands sweaty as I post this.
But I press on, I'm trusting Him.
And resting in, things take time.
None of us have arrived...so, I'm gonna try and give it time :)