Always have been.
I grew up running, and racing and loving the speed.
I was faster than (almost) all the boys; everyone wanted me to be on their team.
I was a runner, and I was good.
I loved everything about it. I loved knowing I could outrun most things. I loved bringing my body under submission, loved making my lungs burn, my legs stretch and my heart race.
When I was young, it was fun. It was cool playing tag, or red rover. I enjoyed being outside and playing with everyone.
As I grew older, the love of running didn't stop. It only changed a little.
There weren't as many things that required running, or even people who wanted to do it with you.
But my love still drove me.
I started to just run recreationally.
And a new avenue was opened-stress relief.
Running, oh, running let me get outside my head. See, I'm the type of girl who is her own worst enemy while being her biggest critic. My mind can get a little small at times.
But not with running. With running all I am able to think about is the next step. Meeting my goal. And if my body is getting a little tired, well, I keep it going.
My mind stops when I run. It is completely physical. I know you hear about how running is mental. And it is, but so completely different than your everyday mental.
I am a runner, and I love it.
--Running you should know, is a kind of stillness--
Today, I want to run away.
And when I say that, it is completely different from the running I love.
-The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.-
Today I want to run away. I want to go somewhere no one knows me.
Because, well, people here-they know me. And they get to know me more every day.
And right now, they like me. There are people who like hanging out with me, who are interested in getting to know me more. And I love it, I am delighting in it.
But it scares me more than I can even know.
See, there are so many things about me.
Weird things, quirky things, things I like, things I really don't...you know, things.
I know we all have them...but these, these are mine. And I know them so well; they are brought up for me to see every day. I would list some examples, but I'm not even able to allow myself to do that. If you were to come up and ask me, I would blush the color of a tomato, most likely have tears prick the corners of my eyes, and would excuse myself to the restroom. And you wouldn't get an answer.
I will be honest though about why I wish to run away.
Though it's almost just as scary to admit.
I want to run away because I'm afraid these people I hold so dear will see one day, and think 'she's not all I thought she was. She's not who I thought her to be.' And at that moment, I will have let these people down. And once more I will be left alone. With the lie I've been praying against for a very long time.
I guess it comes down to me wanting to leave them before they can leave me.
--"I mean, to me, freaking out is different. More of a running away, not telling anyone what's wrong, slowly simmering until you burst kind of thing."--
But, in saying all that, in releasing all that, letting it out.
It feels quite nice to know...I'm not going to give into that. And these people I love so dearly in my life, they'll help me out best they can. I know I can trust in that. They will battle this with me. I thank my Lord for them every day.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"You learn you can do your best even when it's hard, even when you're tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage."
And I find that to be a very true statement- 'it feels good to show some courage.' And honestly, that's where the Lord shows up.
When we are weak, He is strong. His grace is sufficient for me. And that's the way it needs to be.
When these fears, and doubts and feelings come in...I need to run to Him. I need to run, and run desperately to His open arms. For He cares for me. And He has good things for me; His will is good and acceptable.
And you know what..? "Perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment."
Can I tell you something? Please, let me share...my God has perfect love.
As I run to Him, and allow Him to take over my life, He'll take care of me.
One day, another day such as today where I was struggling. Struggling with everything He was doing in my life, everything He has placed in my life, He gave me this gentle rebuke and gracious reminder:
"I can give these things of Mine to anyone I choose." (Jer 27:5)
That includes people, relationships, attributes...anything and everything. It is all His, and He is able-and blessed God He is, does-give it to whomever He desires.
Rest in that, as I have found rest in that.
He alone gives and takes away. So I know it will be good. If relationships and people do go away-it is in His perfect will.
Yet, what He gives, no one can take away.
How blessed, and what a relief to know, it's not up to me. It does not rest on my shoulders. If I am following my Lord, and trusting in my Lord Jesus...these things are not up to me. And if I am following His path and I am in His will, He won't allow me to mess things up. And if I am foolish and there is strife caused, He is a God of redemption, and grace. He will lead to a type of resolution.
My Heavenly Father holds all in His hand, and He will lead me and take care of me.
And yes, there are going to be days, like today, that it will take everything I can muster to remember and rest in these things. It will fight me with every breath, but I must run to Him. Over and over again.
And there are times when it will feel like I am being defeated. Where the enemy of my soul is gaining ground. Or will creep in with lies. Lies that sound so very much like truth. But I must know, they are not.
As long as I run to my Savior, my Jesus...He shall not let me go astray. (I love Isaiah 35. In completion, but especially 35:8-10)
Oh, my blessed Lord and Savior, how I love and adore Him.
See, running is a good thing. You just have to check and see what you're running for and toward. That is what makes all the difference. I have to make sure I am running to Him, all He is and promises-and not because of my feelings or fears. But I will continue to run.
I must keep running to Jesus.